Why I Never Shop With My Kids!

So today was errand day. I usually try to avoid doing this with both kids but today I had stuff that just had to get done. I had to go to the mall (Dillard's) to exchange some shoes. I gave the usual speech about "good behavior inside" and we were on our way. J was very excited about riding the "moving stairs" so that was motivation. We rode the moving stairs up to the shoe department. I had to return some shoes that J said she's NEVER going to wear and exchange some that were too small. I bought them last week when I went to spend a gift card I had. By the time I used up the GC, the remaining balance was $58 which I put on my debit card. OK, so I made an even exchange with one pair (no problem). On the return, which was $31, I wanted it put back on my debit card. The sales person said there was absolutely no way she could put the money back on my debit card, it had to go on the gift card. I didn't like this and asked to see a manager. By now both girls are roaming freely around the shoes and Mallory is trying on various pairs of Crocs. A manager comes and tells me pretty much the same thing to which I reply with some choice (but polite) words. He goes to get another manager and Jaedyn starts to flip out. She starts ranting about how she can't possibly wait any longer and it's taking way too long and she's hungry and tired and her feet hurt and she hates this place, etc., etc., etc. It was like an episode of Super Nanny. But where is she when you need her? I calmly turn to the sales person and ask her to call the Dillard's Police. I've used this before at other stores and it works like a charm. The sales lady looks at me a little weird but I think she got it. Jaedyn immediately settles down (for about 2 minutes). Then she's at it again. All of the sudden, a security guard in full uniform with a big silver badge appears out of nowhere and he just stands there. Jaedyn is now terrified and clinging to my leg. I'm trying so hard not to laugh because I can't believe this guy's here. I ask him if he's the Dillard's Police and he looks at J and says he is. He stands there for about a minute and then just turns and leaves. I couldn't have planned it better! Finally the other manager comes back and puts $31 back on my debit card because I'm sure she's just ready for us to leave! As we make our way back to the moving stairs I'm thinking that I'm almost free and I'll never bring my kids to the mall again. We get to the top of the escalator and J gets scared. I ask her if she wants to go to the elevator (which M hates) but she says no, she just wants me to go first so she knows it's safe. So, M (in the stroller) and I step on and start going down. I look back and J is standing at the top screaming that she can't do it. I am stuck. I'm on my way down with the stroller with no way to climb back up. This nice lady offers to take J down but she won't do it. So the lady (and a small crowd that had now gathered) waited with J while I went all the way around and back up again. By now I am seriously doing the math in my head for how many seconds it is until school starts again. We start looking for an elevator and who shows up again but the Dillard's Police. He shows us the elevator and we're finally almost to the door when I turn around and see a mannequin on the verge of taking a spill. J has been high fiving, and I might add touching the private parts of all the "white men with daddy's clothes on" (they are painted bright white!) I quickly lead her out the door and she trips on the door mat. When J falls it's a big deal. She gets MAD. So I turn to check on her, let go of the stroller, not realizing we're on an incline, and there goes Mallory rolling out to the street. Luckily I catch her before the Dillard's Police shows back up again. 30 seconds later we're in the car headed for home to wait by the phone for the call announcing my award for Mother of the Year!